Diving

So it turns out I really don’t understand grief as much as I thought I did. I thought it was just lots of crying and maybe some depression. Not exactly. I have lost the desire to do anything, to create anything, to fix anything. I no longer have any dreams of a future. No goals. No plans. Once again, there is no g-d. No comfort. When I was 8.5 years old, my maternal grandmother died. I became an atheist on the spot. Didn’t embrace g-d again until my 30’s. And here I am once again, doubting any spiritual presence in the world. But now I know it is because my heart is all shut down. Part of the grieving process.

So, what is it all for? Life has become of series of losses. At my age, I understand now, it is just the beginning. I am only 59. I don’t feel old enough for this to be my new reality. Nothing prepares you for this. They don’t teach you about death in school. Our society is so afraid of death. No one talks about it. I got three days paid leave from work when my brother died this past August. So, you are so supposed to deal and be done with it in three days. Who are they kidding? Some places give you 6 months when you birth a child. As with everything else about making a living, you are supposed to check your life at the door when you enter the office and resume your worker bee status. The disconnects in our society are frightening and maddening.

I alternate between feeling a sadness well up in me for strange reasons, or just feeling dead inside. And part of me feels like I have to keep my spirits up to be a good, supportive spouse to my wife. But I know it is very important to make space for me and my feelings and process. Yesterday, my cell phone rang from a strange number from my remaining brother’s area. It was his doctor’s office. They had called me by accident. I am his contact for everything. He has never been married. I am his executor and all that. Scared the crap out of me. I called him later to find out it was just all positive results from his annual blood tests. But for that moment when they called, all I could think of is, another loss now? Who’s next? My wife? My brother? I can’t deal with one more loss right now.

I tell my dog, who is 8.5 years old, that she has to stay healthy. She is my rock. My one constant. I brought her with me when I drove across country. She has been with me since she was 8 weeks old. She keeps me going. Makes me go out for walks, regardless of the weather. Animals know how to do death. When the body is done, they are done. They have no qualms, no issues. They just go. They smell a dead body, they walk away. Nothing for them there. They know the soul has gone. Ah, if it were truly that easy.

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