In the past 3.5 years I have lost first my parents, 6 months apart, and this past summer my oldest brother. His death seems to have brought up all the unfinished grieving for my parents. First my father, then 6 months later my mother died. Then I spent the next 3 months dismantling and divorcing a 32-year marriage. That fourth month I drove 3000 miles across the country to start my life over and begin a relationship with my current wife, who happens to have Stage IV Lung Cancer. She has been dealing with it for 6 years and she doesn’t look it. But every 2 or 3 months she gets tested to see what or if we need to deal with. She is on a daily chemo pill that is slowly poisoning her, but keeping the cancer at bay.
Needles to say, I haven’t really had time to grieve my parents’ passing. My brother’s death, at 70 from Lymphoma, was totally unexpected. I have one older brother left. I started a grief writing workshop a few weeks ago. But writing for a couple of hours a week does not seem to be enough. So here I am. This is a place for me to let it all out. The anger, desolation, loss, etc. Your comments are welcome as long as you restrain yourself from trying to fix me. I am the queen of doing and fixing, etc. I find myself needing to not do anything this time. To just sit with everything that is coming up. Sitting and being is challenging for me. I have tons of healing tools at my disposal. When I am ready, I will use them. I will start meditating again, etc. But not right now. Now it is time to sink into the underworld. I’ll just leave those nasty pomegranate seeds alone.